We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
