I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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