I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
