I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
