I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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