All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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