peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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