I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
