You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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