so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
