Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
