I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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