i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
