sarcasm needs its own font
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
