There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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