I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
