Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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