Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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