So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
