Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize