Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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