I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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