Cold hands, warm shart.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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