I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
