He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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