Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
