She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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