mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
