I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
