Where is the hickey?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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