He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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