Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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