My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
