3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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