Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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