I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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