I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
