Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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