I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
