take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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