Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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