New invention idea: vibrating tampons
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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