My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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