Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
