I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
