Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm both gender and math confused
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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