yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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