I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have peed in a lot of sinks
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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