Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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