just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
