I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
