Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
