she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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