Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
