as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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