does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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