You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
